Only half of them were about Jamie Dornan’s butt.
I’m kind of obsessed with movies that are so bad they’re good, but until recently, I’ve avoided anything to do with Fifty Shades Of Grey (unless you count snarky recaps by other people – and The Twilight Saga, of course). But now that the last Fifty Shades film is out, I decided on a whim to finally jump onto this particular cultural bandwagon. And because I take my terrible cinema very seriously, I binge-watched all three in one day. Needless to say, I had A LOT of thoughts…
Fifty Shades of Grey
1. I’m going to try to let go of my preconceived notions that these movies will make me VERY angry and watch this with an open mind.
2. It starts with grey clouds and a very grey-looking city. I didn’t know they’d take the title so literally.
3. Hello Jamie Dornan! In a grey hoodie, of course.
4. First shot of shirtless Jamie Dornan 90 seconds in. Folks, this is how you get me on board.
5. All his ties are grey? AND his car is grey? And his name is Grey? And his company is Grey House? WE GET IT, THE GUY LOVES GREY AND/OR HIMSELF.
6. This is like the equivalent of McDonald’s adding a Mc to everything.
7. I bet if he had a kid he’d name it Grey Grey.
8. Wait, does that happen in the last movie/book? I guess I’ll find out before this day is done.
9. Nice piece of exposition from Ana telling us how SMART she is. But we really didn’t need it, because she’s brunette, which we all know is the universal hair colour for “brainy”.
10. Hahahahaha she tripped into the room. How very Bella Swan of her.
11. And OF COURSE he comes to the rescue. What a great start to what I’m sure will be a TOTALLY EQUAL relationship.
12. Jamie Dornan is so very handsome. What a good face. I kind of miss his beard though.
13. His Irish accent is slipping through when he speaks and I’m not mad about it.
14. Yeah, I really miss the beard.
15. They made a big deal about him giving her a pencil and she’s taken zero notes.
16. “I enjoy various physical pursuits.” Guys I think he’s talking about *looks around furtively* *whispers* sex.
17. She really didn’t even read over the questions before doing this interview?
18. Wasn’t there literally anyone else on the student newspaper who could have done this?
19. Oh ok the pencil was introduced purely so she can suck on it and draw attention to her mouth and make him think about *whispers* sex.
20. “Look at me”, she says, as though she’s a walking pile of garbage instead of a beautiful and (allegedly) smart woman.
21. I’m trying REALLY HARD to keep an open mind, but this movie is making it difficult.
22. Was that whole exchange supposed to be sexy and charged? Because it really wasn’t.
23. “I’m sure if you are attracted to that sort of human…” Ana, literally* everyone is attracted to that sort of human.
24. *Obviously not literally, don’t @ me, but come on, even without a beard, Jamie Dornan is like PEAK HANDSOME HUMAN.
25. With a beard, he’s like… I can’t even talk about it. I am parched just thinking about it.
26. Wow she’s still sucking on his pencil. FORESHADOWING.
27. Oh the Jacob stand-in has arrived. And he just happens to be the one non-white person in the cast. What was his name though?
28. WAIT, ELIZABETH BENNET IS HER MOTHER???
29. So the first time Ana saw Christian she fell to the ground. The second time, she’s being scared by him at work. This doesn’t bode well.
30. “Rope, tape, cable ties… you’re the complete serial killer.” “Not today.” OK, I know this is probably not a direct reference to The Fall, and more just about Christian Grey’s behaviour signalling serial killer tendencies (which… isn’t great), but it made me think of The Fall anyway. Which is a great show that Jamie Dornan is great in, but more to my present point: he has a beard and is so fucking hot in it. Like, hotter than he is in this, when he’s only playing someone who is LIKE a serial killer, and not an actual serial killer???
31. Oh! New theory: Fifty Shades of Grey and The Fall are in the same universe. This is a prequel to The Fall! Christian Grey gets hairier, more Irish, and more murdery as the series progresses. It totally works.
32. Meanwhile, wasn’t Ana meant to be helping that other guy with something? He’s back there like “guess I’ll just go fuck myself, then”. (He’s totally the Mike character, isn’t he?)
33. OK Jacob 2.0 is named José.
34. José: “How about we try it with a smile?” Christian Grey: *frowning intensifies*.
35. Uh, Ana, pretty sure you can study English lit without being a romantic.
36. He saved her from being hit by the bike lmaaaao. Sorry, Twilight definitely did that bit better.
37. OK this weird intense moment between them in the aftermath of Ana’s near-death bike experience is kind of hot.
38. No need to cry about it though, Ana, jeez.
39. Look, I gotta hand it to Christian, a first edition of your fave book is a pretty amazing gift.
40. I kind of love that she’s drunk dialling him and calling him out on his bullshit. I don’t love that he’s freaking out because she, an adult woman, dared to have a few drinks.
41. EW I HATE THIS.
42. José, don’t sexually harass your drunk friend.
43. Christian to the rescue! But how did he know where she was? This is bad.
44. It doesn’t make a lot of narrative sense that all of a sudden his brother is there and has gone straight into dancing with Kate, except in a fanficcy way of seeing a couple you ship together (in this case, Rose/Kate and Emmett/Elliot).
45. Stephenie Meyer is actually so generous for letting them get away with this whoooole thing, because the rip-off is so fucking blatant.
46. “Eat me” and “drink me”. We’re through the looking glass now, people.
47. “How are you feeling?” “Better than I deserve.” Excuse me, WHAT? Why do you deserve to feel bad? Because you got drunk? FFS.
48. He’s saying he didn’t have much choice to undress her. This is such a common trope – the girl gets drunk and is out of it, the guy does the “gentlemanly” thing and puts her to bed, but he just HAS to change her clothes first – and I kind of hate it. It’s supposed to be sexy but it makes me feel a bit queasy.
49. “You shouldn’t get drunk like that, you put yourself at risk.” Fuck off with this shaming.
50. OMG THIS TOAST BIT IS AMAZING.
51. OK, so Ana is sitting in bed eating toast, and Christian just stands up and randomly (and intensely) removes his shirt, and then (intensely) crawls over her on the bed, and (intensely) says, “If you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit for a week”. Ana, quite rightly, with a mouthful of food, is like, “what???” And then Christian (intensely) TAKES A BITE OF TOAST AND THEN WALKS AWAY.
52. This is art. This is comedy gold.
53. How did Jamie Dornan do that scene with a straight face?
54. I just rewatched it five times. I have not laughed so hard in a long time.
56. MEANWHILE he’s saying he wants to beat her so hard she can’t sit down for a week because… she put herself at risk of violent men? Christian, I know you’re a big fan of the colour grey but let me introduce you to the concept of black, especially in relation to pots and kettles.
57. “My tastes are very singular.” Yeah. He really likes grey.
58. Side note: that was such a good meme.
59. “Fuck the paperwork.” Christian sure knows how to talk dirty.
60. “What a surprise that Elliot and Kate hooked up” – no one, ever.
61. “Laters, baby.” Ohhh so this is the context of that quote. It’s not as bad as I imagined.
62. “Email me if something happens.” “My computer’s broken.” Does Ana not have a phone? What year is this set in?
63. Of course Christian can fly a helicopter.
64. AND play the piano. Wait. Does he write her a lullaby???
65. Not being able to talk about her relationship with him is totally healthy and not abusive in any way, uh-huh.
66. Ana read the damn NDA before you sign it, I thought you were meant to be smart.
67. “I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard.” Was that supposed to be sexy? Because I can’t stop laughing.
68. “My play room.” “What like your Xbox and stuff?” Hahahahahaha.
69. I’m shocked the play room isn’t all grey tbh. I mean, this isn’t Fifty Shades of Red.
70. Everything he’s talking about is focused on his pleasure, not hers.
71. “What would I get out of this?” GOOD QUESTION ANA.
72. “Me.” Christian, really? Not that she might enjoy it, too?? Come on, man.
73. OF COURSE SHE’S A VIRGIN. And a gold star virgin at that. Another trope I am really tired of.
74. If you were playing a drinking game that included every time she bites her lip, your liver would be dead by the halfway point of this movie.
75. I appreciate that she’s like… not totally hairless? Like she even has hairy legs? That’s the closest to normal this movie has gotten so far.
76. Christian “I don’t make love” Grey is making love. Just listen to this romantic soundtrack.
77. JAMIE DORNAN BUTT. HELLO.
78. MORE JAMIE DORNAN BUTT. HIIIIII.
79. Jamie Dornan looks really good in blue. He should always wear blue. Except when he’s wearing white, which he also looks good in. And nothing, which he looks GREAT in.
80. Now they’re having a romantic bath together.
81. Hey Christian. *whispers* I think you do romance, buddy.
82. There’s so much nudity in this. Like, I knew there would be, but her boobs have been out for a good 10 minutes.
83. It may have been a mistake to watch this at my desk at work.
84. Lol his mum showed up.
85. He got her out the door real quick though, what the hell was that scene?
86. So Ana does have a phone but it’s a FLIP PHONE?! Is this 1997???
87. I see why people say this is not good portrayal of BDSM. Ana is clearly not into the idea and he’s not really addressing her concerns.
88. What, they’re not going to take the chopper back? What a downgrade.
89. This forest walk is giving me major Twilight vibes.
90. “How did you get into all this?” “One of my mother’s friends. I was 15.” “She seduced you?” I think the word you’re looking for is “raped”.
91. HE WAS FIFTEEN.
92. “I never took any one [else] in the helicopter”. I don’t know why I’m laughing so hard at his declaration that Ana is special.
93. They still haven’t addressed how he found her at that club.
94. “You look different.” What kind of high school “you can tell when people do it” BS is this? Lmao.
95. He’s choosing her doctor for her? Girl, no.
96. HE’S TELLING HER WHAT SHE CAN AND CAN’T EAT? Girl, HELL NO.
97. HE’S IN HER APARTMENT? GIRL, FUCKING NOPE.
98. Is she… is she just gonna let that slide? Is this never going to be addressed?
99. Christian, why are you doing this if she hasn’t signed your precious contract?
100. Oh, ice in the mouth hey? Someone’s been picking up sex tips from Cosmo.
101. I gotta give this movie credit for showing them using condoms.
102. “Now that’s a hell of a sack.” Heh.
103. I love how they’re having this very professional “business meeting” but the lights are totally dim.
104. “What are butt plugs?” I’ll take “sex toys” for $200, Alex.
105. Where did that food come from?
106. JAMIE DORNAN IS SO HECKING HANDSOME.
107. But I wish he would stop saying things like, “I would like to fuck you into the middle of next week”, because I just can’t take him seriously.
108. They haven’t even eaten anything. Why is that food even there?!
109. Look out, the tie is being loosened.
110. I forgot he was doing a speech at her graduation. This won’t be awkward at all.
111. “I heard he’s gay.” That was a weird moment. Ana, learn some chill.
112. If she was really clumsy she would have tripped up those stairs. It’s like she was only clumsy for that one moment when she met Christian. How convenient.
113. Is he gonna freak out about the “boyfriend” label now?
114. Why are they drinking champagne from teacups?
115. He’s selling her things without her permission, how charming.
116. “Your new beau” Ana’s mum isn’t just Elizabeth Bennet, she’s also an old southern dame.
117. Why is Ana crying? Because he left without banging her? Oh, honey.
118. Sorry I don’t care how rich you are, a photo of you attending a random graduation ceremony would NOT be front page news.
119. So they made a really big deal about the contract and she’s just… not… going to sign it?
120. Oooh they’re finally going in the red room.
121. Omg he’s plaiting her hair. I get this fantasy now.
122. I mean that sincerely. All I want is a sleepover with Jamie Dornan where he plaits my hair.
123. Ok maybe that’s not ALL I want… anyway moving on.
124. He went and took his shirt off, removed his pants… and put on jeans? Are they his special sex jeans? They’re all ripped and stuff, maybe that’s supposed to show how ~kinky~ he is.
125. Was that a flash of peen? I believe it was. Just the top.
126. I feel like I’ve been watching this sex scene for 84 years.
127. This dance scene is pretty cute. I wish either of these characters actually had personalities.
128. Alice 2.0 has arrived! OMG it’s Rita Ora!
129. He’s getting mad because she wants to visit her mum. This is really gross.
130. Christian, telling someone something while they’re asleep doesn’t count.
131. Omg Doug Witter is her stepdad! Elizabeth Bennet is married to Doug Witter!
132. Christian nearly had a fit over José but won’t tell Ana who he’s having dinner with.
133. Is she gonna cry because he said he was having dinner with a friend???
134. How does he know where she is AGAIN. ARE WE EVER GOING TO ADDRESS THIS???
135. I’m glad Ana is labeling “Mrs Robinson” a child abuser, because that is what she is.
136. What is this little death trap they’re getting into? No thank you.
137. I think Christian Grey is getting all of his date ideas from The Bachelor.
138. What is this church music playing over this sex scene?
139. OMG they ARE his sex jeans, he’s wearing them again!
140. Why couldn’t he just be into BDSM because he thinks it’s sexy, and not some deep, dark, psychological reason?
141. “Because I am fifty shades of fucked up.” What do you want to bet Jamie Dornan filmed that line with his back turned away from the camera because he literally couldn’t say it with a straight face?
142. This whole “do your worst” when they’re both in a very bad emotional place doesn’t seem like the wisest choice.
143. Like, this is not sexy and neither of them are into it.
144. SHE IS CRYING. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT.
145. THIS WHOLE THING IS A MESS.
146. OK so I was waiting for the James figure to show up and threaten her life, but the dramatic climax is that… he spanked her hard after she told him to?
147. There’s only 10 minutes to go and the plot still hasn’t arrived.
148. “I’ve fallen in love with you.” Literally how? You guys haven’t had one single normal conversation.
149. That full circle elevator moment was pretty great, ngl.
150. WAIT. THAT’S IT? THAT’S THE WHOLE MOVIE? THEY MEET, FUCK A FEW TIMES, HE’S TERRIBLE, THEN SHE CRIES AND LEAVES? HOW IS THAT THE WHOLE MOVIE? EVEN TWILIGHT HAD MORE PLOT THAN THIS?!
151. I have so many questions. What was the whole drama about where he had to rush home from visiting her mum? And are they really never gonna address how he ALWAYS KNEW WHERE SHE WAS?!
152. Good thing I don’t have to wait long to find out.
Fifty Shades Darker
153. Eek we’re opening on domestic violence?
154. It’s little Christian! Oh shit that’s how he got those scars.
155. What a way to start a ~sexy~ movie.
156. Guess Christian does flowers now.
157. Hello who is this handsome blonde man?
158. Oh he’s Ana’s new boss.
159. He’s going to sexually harass her at some point, isn’t he?
160. How did they manage to make this Coldplay song even sadder than it was originally?
161. Kate is still with Elliot and they haven’t gotten the memo that Ana and Christian broke up? How much time has passed between movies???
162. She saw a guy running in a grey hoodie who looks nothing like Christian and thought of him. But I’m pretty sure she never saw him running in a grey hoodie?
163. She’s wearing her contract negotiation dress to work. Is that supposed to have significance, or is it just her most “business” appropriate outfit?
164. So José is supposed to be her best friend, but in the first movie he sexually harassed her and now he is showcasing photos of her without her consent? And he actually said he didn’t ask her permission because he knew she’d say no??
165. Why are ALL THE MEN in this so terrible? I actually think Christian might be the least terrible? Which is saying something.
166. All the photos of Ana sold to one man, I WONDER WHO THAT WAS.
167. And Jamie Dornan walks in looking like a snack, how dare he honestly.
168. SHE’S BITING HER LIP AGAIN LORD HELP ME.
169. Wait, Christian bought those photos not because he wants to look at her, but because he doesn’t want other people to?! That is even worse.
170. “I will have dinner with you. Because I’m hungry.” I’ve never related more to Ana than in this moment.
171. “You were getting off on the pain you inflicted.” I mean, that’s kind of the idea, right?
172. Once again, Christian, telling someone something while they were asleep does not count. At least Ana is calling him out on that.
173. “No rules, no punishments.” So Christian has done quite the 180 since the first movie.
174. Still no answers to the questions I had at the end of it though.
175. Omg Christian has stubble. Does that mean HIS BEARD IS COMING IN? YES, LET THE BEARD FREE.
176. Really leaning into my The Fall prequel theory.
177. Finally, Ana has a new phone! Welcome to the 21st Century.
178. What is this weird sexual tension between the boss and the HR person? Are they secretly having an affair?
179. Is this creepy girl one of Christian’s exes? She looks 12. Oh god, this is gonna get messy isn’t it.
180. I can’t get over this intense interaction between Christian and Ana’s boss.
181. Christian is a messy bitch who lives for drama.
182. Hahahaha I love that she is taking him grocery shopping.
183. And buying vanilla ice cream to go with their new vanilla relationship. I kind of adore smartarse Ana?
184. She’s touching him whenever she wants! Get it, Ana.
185. I am feeeeeling his stubble. He looks so much better with it.
186. Now he’s actually smiling. Is this even the same character??
187. Yes Ana! Put him in his place! He should NOT be interfering with your career.
188. So I just googled to figure out who Jack is the equivalent of in Twilight and HE’S James?! Huh. Is one book’s worth of Twilight storyline going to be stretched out over the entire Fifty Shades series?
189. We went 20 whole minutes before a sex scene happened. What restraint!
190. Of course they’re going to a masquerade ball. You know, movies and TV lead you to expect way more of those in life than EVER happen.
191. That Jamie Dornan butt shot is *Italian chef kiss*.
192. Lord they’re still talking about her virginity. I thought we left that problematic discourse behind in the first movie.
193. Hahahaha she waited to have sex because nobody measured up to the heroes in Austen and Bronte. OK, Ana.
194. “Kinky fuckery” lmao what he’s doing right now isn’t even kinky, tho?
195. Hang on. That $24,000 was the money from selling HER car, wasn’t it? You know, the one he sold without her permission? So – it’s literally her money. Why wouldn’t she keep it???
196. OK I changed my mind. Ana checking out Christian’s butt is her most relatable moment.
197. “How do you have my bank information?” About time you asked the important questions, Ana. Buuut he’s not gonna answer and we’re moving on. Sigh.
198. He’s taking her to Mrs Robinson’s salon? Just how stupid is he?
199. KIM BASINGER is the child abuser???
200. FINALLY we’re learning what the drama was at the end of the first movie. The narrative structure of this whole thing is a mess.
201. Christian has a file on Ana. HOW COMPLETELY HEALTHY AND NORMAL.
202. “This isn’t a relationship Christian. It’s ownership.” YES ANA TELL HIM.
203. “Sex is not gonna fix this right now.” Lmao.
204. I know this is a serious moment, with Christian showing Ana his boundaries (that are related to his childhood trauma), but I’m sorry, all I can think about is how spectacular Jamie Dornan’s chest is.
205. And what a waste of lipstick this is.
206. Oh shit, basically she just can’t touch his spectacular chest? Damn.
207. She doesn’t want him controlling everything, but she sure doesn’t mind the closet full of new clothes and lingerie and shoes and jewellery.
208. I mean, who wouldn’t, I guess?
209. How is this scene of two sexy people doing something sexual SO unsexy?
210. Are those peacock feathers in Christian’s mum’s mask the same ones from his red room? Why are they drawing so much attention to them? The things these movies linger on are so odd.
211. Who the hell is Mia?
212. OH THAT’S RITA ORA.
213. Ana said she wants the money to go to someone who needs it… but doesn’t SHE need it? Like haven’t they established she’s kind of poor?
214. Where are they having sex right now? Are they in his childhood bedroom?
215. Jamie Dornan is wearing far too many clothes in this scene.
216. “Cum for me.” Hello, another trope I hate.
217. OMG they ARE in his childhood bedroom.
218. How interesting that Christian’s ex and Ana both bear an uncanny resemblance to his biological mother. And by interesting, I mean fucking creepy.
219. What lipstick is she wearing? It lasted through that whole sexcapade and I want in on that.
220. Her hair is also still perfect, which is some kind of witchcraft.
221. Is that creepy guy taking photos of the Grey family Ana’s boss? I think it is.
222. Uh-oh Mrs Robinson is here.
223. “Without me, he’d be in jail or dead.” What kind of twisted Dexter BS is this?
224. Everything she’s saying sounds fake, but OK.
225. I like feisty Ana.
226. This movie already has more plot than the entire first movie did and we’re not even halfway through.
227. He still has that lipstick on his body? Now I really want to know what it is.
228. Are they on a boat?!
229. They are on a boat.
230. Oh man he chilled with his dead mum’s body for three days. Poor baby Christian.
231. Ew Christian you don’t get to tell Ana what she can and can’t do for her career.
232. I gotta say, Ana has a lot more backbone than I expected.
233. She’s been to his house a lot of times by now, right? How has she never met his housekeeper before?
234. Ooh she’s drawn to the red room of paaaain.
235. Really hoping his sex jeans make a comeback.
236. I am looooving stubbly Jamie Dornan in that white shirt. Seriously, huge props to whoever decided after the first movie that a clean shaven Jamie Dornan is not the best Jamie Dornan (although still a very good Jamie Dornan).
237. Pray for Mrs Jones and the bullshit she has to put up with while at work.
238. Also for any of my colleagues who happen to be walking by my screen while this is on.
239. OK, Christian definitely knows Jack Hyde, right? I feel like there’s history there.
240. “I would rather see New York with you.” But like… you were going for WORK. Not to sightsee, Ana. It’s totally different.
241. Ugggh this scene with her boss is making me feel ill.
242. I am so uncomfortable.
243. Ana kicking him in the balls and getting out of there was very satisfying.
244. The fact Christian didn’t go in to beat him up straight away is kind of surprising. In a good way.
245. He’s asking her to move in. This is… sweet?
246. Jack “resigned”. Sure, Jan.
247. I feel like an assistant filling in for a senior editor is not how publishing works.
248. “He got 80,000 hits last week.” Hits on what, exactly? I love when movies try to talk internet and fail.
249. “I need to get some things from my apartment.” That’s generally how moving works, Ana.
250. Ana is taking her underwear off in the middle of this restaurant and whoever is at the next table is no doubt like, “right in front of my salad???”.
251. Shit they’re gonna do something inappropriate in this elevator aren’t they.
252. Sorry but Fear did the public fingering better than this in 1996.
253. WAIT OMG I JUST GOOGLED AND THE DIRECTOR OF THIS WAS ALSO THE DIRECTOR OF FEAR.
254. Dude loves a public fingering. This one needs more “Wild Horses” though.
255. Were they on the 200th floor? This elevator ride is lasting a lifetime.
256. Meanwhile, whatever happened to Kate?
257. Ooh Christian’s creepy ex is back. Aaaand she has a gun.
258. This is so weird. It’s like yay sexy fun times! Also here’s this PSYCHO SUBPLOT.
259. I mean I know I complained that the first movie had no plot but uhhh idk about this one.
260. Oh ew he’s like full-on controlling her.
261. “For once just do as you’re told.” Ummm Christian, this is maybe not the moment to say something like that, mate.
262. Ana’s outta there. I don’t blame her.
263. Ana, honey. Get some other dick. You’ll realise he isn’t even worth it.
264. Why did they bother with the José character when he is such a non-entity? Is he a bigger character in the books?
265. Wow at Christian getting into the submissive position right now. Kim Basinger really fucked him up.
266. “I’m not a dominant. The right term is a sadist. I get off on punishing women.” “Women that look like your mother.” WoWoWoW.
267. This is some deep psychological shit that this movie just isn’t equipped to explore with any nuance, I feel.
268. Oh he’s letting her touch his spectacular chest.
269. NOW HE’S PROPOSING. WHAT.
270. OK I changed my mind again. Ana watching Christian work out is her most relatable moment. And the only instance in which her voracious lip-biting is acceptable.
271. Like, Jamie Dornan doing that plank move and lifting his whole body up was the sexiest sequence in THIS WHOLE DAMN SERIES. I feel confidant saying that without even having watched the third one yet. Nothing is gonna top that.
272. Sexuality: Jamie Dornan’s sweaty back.
273. He is getting more and more stubble, which I greatly appreciate.
274. Did she really just buy him a cheap plastic keyring lol.
275. Oh yay, they remembered Kate exists.
276. Ugh Christian is still hung up on Ana drinking.
277. Omg is he gonna crash? I thought he was an expert flyer? What was wrong with the helicopter? Was he SABOTAGED?
278. Is this the equivalent of Edward trying to kill himself in Italy because lol.
279. They remembered José exists as well!
280. “How’s your hottie?” Mmm probably not the best way to refer to your boyfriend’s brother, but OK.
281. The reporter on TV is saying Christian has been found safe and well… and he just walks right into the apartment! What the hell kind of timeline is this?
282. Such a non-event. Where is the conflict? The crisis? The escalating drama? Every problem is sorted out in under three minutes. Either that, or completely glossed over, never to be spoken of again (Yes, I’m still waiting for them to talk about how he knew where she was all the time in the first movie).
283. Excuse me, Elliot, but Christian does NOT look like shit. He looks really hot, all dirty and bloody.
284. “I need to say hi to my girl.” Alright, that’s cute.
285. Do I… do I like this movie? I DON’T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE. WHO AM I?!
286. The keyring is gonna say “yes”, isn’t it?
287. I KNEW IT.
288. They’e getting married. How long have they known each other now, like five whole weeks? If that?
289. “This whole time I had the answer in my pocket.” Deep.
290. Are they in the shower with their clothes on?
291. Oh damn, that butt shot. This is what I am here for.
292. “We met at the masquerade.” Omg was that ball in the same movie? I feel like an age has passed since then.
293. Why is José at Christian’s birthday party, do they even know/like each other?
294. Mrs Robinson the child abuser is not happy.
295. YES ANA. That drink toss was magnificent.
296. “You taught me how to fuck, Elena. Ana taught me how to love.” That dialogue though.
297. YES HIS MUM HEARD. SHE IS PISSED. SHE’S SLAPPING HER. I LOVE CHRISTIAN’S MUM.
298. I feel like that’s not the last we’ve seen of Kim Basinger though.
299. I’m sorry I feel like this scene is serious but all I can focus on is the fact that Christian Grey has a Chronicles of Riddick poster on his wall.
300. Wow he REALLY does flowers now.
301. That is one giant rock. I’m a little disappointed. I thought Christian saying they were going to choose a ring together was ~character growth~.
302. I KNEW it was Jack Hyde who took that photo. WHAT’S THE STORY THERE? And why do I care?
303. Wait so that whole Leila plot is over?
304. This is a huge personal revelation, but I think I really enjoyed that movie???? ON TO THE THIRD.
Fifty Shades Freed
(Warning: spoilers from here on if you haven’t seen the new movie!)
305. OK, I’ve moved away from my desk and am actually watching this movie in the cinema! This should be interesting. Like, I’ve seen a lot of Jamie Dornan’s butt today, and now I’m looking forward to the big screen experience.
306. Oh boy we’re going straight into the wedding.
307. Her dress is GORGEOUS.
308. They both look very, very pretty.
309. I noticed there was no “obey” in those vows, lol.
310. Oh good, Christian has kept his stubble. I was kind of hoping the full beard would make an appearance, though.
311. That flower wall is very Kimye.
312. Elizabeth Bennet and Doug Witter made it to the wedding! Hey, that’s great.
313. José is dancing with Mia. Interesting.
314. Ana got changed into a suit to leave the wedding! I have a question: is that an American thing, an old-fashioned thing, or just a Hollywood thing? Because I, an Australian, have never been to an actual wedding where that happens.
315. They’re taking a private jet to Paris. Totally normal Honeymoon vibe.
316. We get our first sex scene three minutes in!
317. Wait… that’s it? That was barely one thrust! You’re telling me this whole movie isn’t just them having honeymoon sex? WHAT ELSE ARE WE HERE FOR?
318. Seriously this montage is more sightseeing than sex. These sights are very pretty, granted, but they’re not the pretty sights I signed up for.
319. (Those pretty sights being Jamie Dornan’s butt and/or spectacular chest, obviously.)
320. Oh cool, good to see marriage hasn’t chilled out Christian’s jealous possessiveness over Ana’s body.
321. Is that Jack Hyde setting a bomb in Christian’s office?
322. “Boobs in boobland.” These scripts just get better and better.
323. This jet-ski is doing really great things for Jamie Dornan’s arms. I guess I’m into jet-skiing now.
324. He’s plaiting her hair again. Are we gonna get an explanation for why he always does that? No doubt it’s related to his childhood trauma, like everything else.
325. First of all, I knew it was Jack planting that bomb. Second of all, I can’t stop laughing at that CSI-style security camera zoom.
326. The helicopter WASN’T an accident.
327. I’m so glad plots that start in one movie are left wide open with absolutely zero resolution until the next movie. It makes a lot of narrative sense.
328. (That’s a lie. I am not glad. It makes no narrative sense. If I hadn’t binge-watched these all in one day I’d be very frustrated.)
329. (MEANWHILE we still haven’t addressed Christian’s stalkery behaviour from movie one. I should probably just let that go for my own sanity, huh.)
330. Wow they have a whole retinue of servants welcoming them home now.
331. OMG IT’S NOEL KAHN. He’s her new bodyguard. Hahahaha.
332. I’m shocked Christian “no one else can look at you” Grey hired this fine specimen of a man to be in such close proximity to Ana 24/7.
333. Oh they’re still doing that whole “laters, baby” thing. Sure.
334. The housekeeper is talking to Ana about how she is going to “run the household” like this is actually Jane Austen or Downton Abbey. Meanwhile the housekeeper wasn’t nearly so present before (she wasn’t even in the first movie!). This is so inconsistent.
335. Is Ana actually pregnant or was that really just a joke?
336. Ana is what, 22 or 23? They’re both really young and just got married. I think they’re cool to chill on the kids talk for awhile.
337. Side note: their ages are SO UNREALISTIC but I’m not going to dwell on that because I’ve come this far and I’m just going with it now.
338. Wow she’s now permanently the fiction editor at work. She got a promotion without even being there! That sounds totally legit and real.
339. What was I saying about just going with it?
340. “I might have an opening.” Yes Hannah, get that sweet Noel Kahn D.
341. Ana doesn’t want to change her name. This is SIGNIFICANT within the plot in a way that it really shouldn’t be in the year 2018.
342. *just go with it just go with it*
343. Daaaaamn. Boyce Fox is a FOX.
344. Hello, Christian, you cannot just barge into Ana’s work meetings like that! Even if they’re with very handsome men! Especially if it’s just to complain that your wife hasn’t changed her name on her work email!
345. Christian is so extra.
346. Meanwhile, Jamie Dornan is *almost* at full beard capacity here and I am loving it.
347. Lmao at Boyce Fox just standing outside the office staring vacantly like a Sim with the free will function turned off.
348. Jamie Dornan is wearing blue again. Thank you, costume department.
349. Aw cute, Taylor the bodyguard has a friend to ride with now Noel Kahn is there.
350. This drive is very Twilight.
351. Oh he bought her that one house she mentioned in passing in movie two! You know, the one you definitely remember if you didn’t binge-watch these all in one day like me.
352. Ana in “shutting-down-the-architect-hitting-on-my-husband” mode is my favourite kind of Ana.
353. And now she’s in the driver’s seat. How symbolic.
354. What is this, a Fast and the Furious movie?
355. Fifty Shades! Now with car chases!
356. I feel like they’re losing the audience here. This is not what this crowd came to see.
357. Oh wait now Ana and Christian are fucking in the car. Nothing like a high-speed chase to get the juices flowing, I guess.
358. Is Taylor still on speaker phone?
359. OMG when it cut to Noel Kahn saying “I’m sorry, Mr Grey” I LEGIT thought they really were still on speaker phone and am kind of disappointed that turns out not to be the case.
360. I bet the woman who was tailing them was totally that HR lady from Ana’s work.
361. “I want to know everything! His shoe size!” Christian Grey, king of extra.
362. This hair washing and cutting scene is… odd. And long.
363. Ooooh Ana found a gun.
364. It’s Leila’s! So is that plot still relevant, then? Or just the gun?
365. Ugh, I know I’ve said it before (just a couple of times), but Jamie Dornan is so damn handsome.
366. Sorry, but it’s true and I can’t stop thinking about it.
367. Boyce Fox’s books has 200,000 pre-orders, whoooa.
368. Hey, Ana has another new phone! Considering she had a flip phone in the first movie, she’s really gotten the hang of the whole upgrading thing.
369. Noel Kahn is going to get into so much trouble for letting Ana go out drinking with Kate.
370. “Letting”. Like she’s not a grown-ass woman who can make her own decisions.
371. In fairness, there is a legit stalker on the loose rn so Christian being protective is somewhat called for. SOMEWHAT.
372. Kate has more information about the situation that Ana. Totally normal and fair, uh-huh.
373. Kate thinks Elliot is hooking up with Gia? Hmmmm.
374. Ana has six missed calls from Christian and now he’s not answering his phone. I bet he’s already back and waiting for her.
375. Who knew Noel Kahn was such a narc.
376. OMG I thought that was going to be Christian sneaking up on Ana to teach her a lesson but it’s the actual stalker!
377. The bodyguards have got him! Yay team!
378. “We don’t have anything to restrain him.” “We do.” Hahahahahahahahahahaha that was great.
379. Wait, Jack was her boss until “a few weeks ago”? And in that time Christian and Ana have moved in together, got engaged, AND married with a huge-ass wedding? WHAT IS TIME in these movies?!
380. “You owe me a life.” Ooooh what does it all mean?
381. Christian is PISSED.
382. That shot of him in the shower is magnificent.
383. Ana getting undressed and joining him in the shower is her new most relatable moment.
384. She’s touching his spectacular chest! Character growth!
385. We almost got a peen shot. Almost.
386. He really is pissed, he doesn’t even wanna have sex.
387. That HR woman is TOTALLY in on the Jack thing. She is suss.
388. Does Noel Kahn ever get a break? He’s ALWAYS there.
389. THE SEX JEANS ARE BACK. YES.
390. OK he is still mad at her though. I am very nervous about where this is heading. He’s going to punish her, isn’t he?
391. Using a cover of INXS’ “Never Tear Us Apart” for this scene is very interesting considering it was on Stephenie Meyer’s original playlist for Breaking Dawn. I wonder if that was deliberate.
392. I know sex scenes are probably always awkward to film, but I imagine they’re EXTRA awkward when close-up shots of nipple biting are involved.
393. The whole cinema just burst out laughing when he pulled out that vibrator. We’re clearly all mature adults here.
394. Oh shit, yep, he’s punishing her by playing games.
395. She just used her safe word and she’s really upset and this is all very, very fucked up. I feel really uncomfortable.
396. “I had a dream last night. You were dead.” I don’t think that was meant to be funny but the whole cinema is laughing at that line now. Watching one of these movies in a dark room full of strangers really takes it to a whole other level.
397. I totally ship Hannah and Noel Kahn.
398. Christian is taking Ana on a trip with all her friends! That’s nice I guess. I’m still not over that weird fucked up sex game though. But like so many things, that’s not going to be adequately addressed, is it?
399. I guess José is totally on board with Christian and Ana now? WHY DID THEY BOTHER INCLUDING HIM IN THE PLOT AT ALL? HE HAS ADDED NOTHING.
400. Christian is playing the piano. Wait. NOW HE’S SINGING. HE’S SINGING. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA this is amazing but I don’t think in the way they intended it to be.
401. His family are SHOOK, they’ve never heard him sing before. And he decided to just (very earnestly) break out some Paul McCartney? OK.
402. I can’t breathe I’m laughing so much.
403. I want to rewatch that scene five times over, it was ALMOST as good as the toast scene in movie one. ALMOST.
404. Ana’s dream is giving me serious Volturi vibes.
405. I have no words for this ice cream scene. It’s… quite something.
406. Best Ben & Jerry’s product placement ever.
407. I feel bad for Christian’s siblings who have to deal with this in their kitchen.
408. “He’s never cried.” Now I am 100% expecting him to before the end of this movie.
409. Hyde was in and out of foster homes. He was meant to be adopted by the Greys, I’m calling it now. That’s what the whole “you owe me a life” thing meant.
410. I think Elliot being sneaky with Gia is meant to make us suspicious but they’re standing in front of a jewellery store so he very obviously just got her help in looking for an engagement ring for Kate.
411. I can’t believe Christian didn’t ban Ana from wearing that dress. Character growth!
412. Yes, I knew Elliot was going to propose! But man, in a nightclub? Is this really where you want to do this?
413. I guess Ana finally got an answer about what butt plugs are.
414. WHERE ARE MY ANSWERS ABOUT CHRISTIAN’S STALKING?
415. *just go with it just go with it*
416. Ana, despite what every movie has ever told you, large sunglasses are NOT an adequate disguise.
417. She’s vomiting so she’s definitely pregnant.
418. YEP. SHE’S PREGNANT.
419. She missed her shot? But wait, they made a big thing about her being on the oral contraceptive pill? The world-building is so inconsistent across movies.
420. Christian just did the white guy blinking thing over the baby news.
421. And now he’s really mad.
422. And now he’s really drunk!
423. He’s kinda cute when he’s drunk.
424. “Babies mean no sex.” Oh Christian.
425. Him sticking his head up her jumper is pretty adorable. But ummm whispering to their unborn child that he doesn’t want to share Ana with him (or her) is really not adorable.
426. Shiiit he went to Elena’s? Christian what are you thinking, pal.
427. Why has she gone into the red room? Is it purely to lock him out? Or is she mentally/symbolically punishing herself? I’m confused.
428. Christian is now trying to say he’s “just friends” with Elena, when he was totally done with her at the end of movie two?
429. I appreciate that Ana consistently brings up that Elena is actually a child abuser.
430. And I love that she is unquestionably putting the baby before Christian, especially when he’s behaving so shittily. Go Ana!
431. “Grow the fuck up.” That was such a moment.
432. Oh fuck, Jack has Mia! Poor Rita Ora. At least it’s giving her the opportunity to do some Acting™.
433. I KNEW Ana’s boss had history with Christian! What a totally believable coincidence that she just happened to get a job with someone who had a grudge against her boyfriend.
434. And wow, they really did drag the book one Twilight plot out across the whole series, didn’t they?
435. I feel like that’s not the best place to store that gun, Ana. But what do I know, I’m Australian.
436. Noel Kahn, you dummy, falling for the old “I’m in the library” trick.
437. Are we in for another car chase? Surely one is more than enough in this series?
438. Just a super casual bank visit to withdraw a cool $5 million, no biggie.
439. The bank guy is a narc, too. Ana can’t get a break.
440. Oh wow Christian thinks she’s leaving him? And he’s actually telling the bank guy to give her anything she wants?
441. Wait no he knows something is up. I kind of love him right now??
442. But I gotta say I’m missing his stubble.
443. YES I was right about the HR woman being in cahoots with Jack. She’s the Victoria of this scenario.
444. Nice try, Noel Kahn. You were so close.
445. Wait, Christian is tracking her phone! IS THIS FINALLY THE EXPLANATION FOR HOW HE KNEW WHERE SHE WAS IN MOVIE ONE?? Like I figured that was it but they’re FINALLY ADDRESSING IT ON SCREEN? Except not really because no one is so much as batting an eye at the fact he is doing this. I know it’s a desperate situation but I feel like it’s not something to be passed over without question. And yet, here we are.
446. *just go with it just go with it*
447. Oh shit Jack kicked her in the stomach! Is she going to lose the baby?!
448. Of course NOW Christian feels bad.
449. What the hell was that awkward mum hug? Why are so many moments that should be normal and brief actually weird and prolonged in these movies?!
450. Oh OK the baby is fine. And Christian actually wants it now!
451. “I wanted your world to begin and end with me.” “It does.” Ana, no, you’ve been so good at calling him on his bullshit. Don’t encourage this. This is not healthy for you OR him.
452. And he’s crying! I called it!
453. Jack blackmailing the HR woman was a twist I did not see coming.
454. I’m so glad that deeply fraught, complex, and twisted backstory with Christian’s mother was solved with one simple grave visit!
456. “You treat people well.” Does he though?
457. Ellie Goulding is back for the flashback sequence. Nice.
458. YES I AM SO GLAD THAT SHOT OF CHRISTIAN DOING THAT PLANK MOVE MADE ANOTHER APPEARANCE. BEST PART OF THIS WHOLE FRANCHISE.
459. Ana’s got her hair braided again. I guess the reasoning behind that is a mystery I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life.
460. Aw, cute flash-forward!
461. I gotta say, I enjoyed these movies much more than I thought I would.
462. I’ve also seen A LOT of butts and nipples today.
463. Thank you to anyone still reading this for sharing this journey with me.
464. Should I… should I actually read the books now???