Yes Darren, my face is red. Now what?
So there I was, just scrolling through Instagram and minding my own business, when I died. I just dropped dead.
Don’t ask me how I’m writing this or we’ll get sidetracked. Just go with it, OK?
Now there’s no need to get your Sherlock Holmes hat on, because I already know who killed me. It was Darren Criss. Specifically this picture of Darren Criss.
Honestly arrest this picture and throw away the key, it’s a danger to society.
So after I died, I decided to do some investigating into how my life could just suddenly end like that, and I found a small video. I pressed play. And I died again.
Twice in one day really is unfortunate, but Jesus fucking Christ it was worth it.
And I won’t lie, now that I’m 24 I think the love has returned along with a bucketload of thirst and unholy thoughts.
Because I mean… just look at his face.
OK, it’s hard to look at him for more than five seconds without fainting, but try anyway!
Maybe it’s the beard. The beard is pretty great.
Or is it his smile, because that’s also v v cute.
The expression “what that tongue do” was created after someone saw this picture tbh.
And what’s better than a picture of Darren Criss? A picture of Darren Criss with Ricky Martin, that’s what.
I will happily go and hang out in the middle of them both.
Because in case you didn’t know, the two of them are now starring in the new TV show The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story.
Unfortunately we can’t really think that Darren’s hot in this, even though he is, because he plays a murderer and that’s kinda* problematic.
*OK very problematic.
But fortunately he seems like a much nicer guy IRL, so we’ll cling to that instead.
Anyway, I’ve spent far too long chit-chatting. After all, I’m meant to be dead so yeah, RIP me. BYE!