CD Projekt Red is getting a lot of hype at this year’s E3, and everyone wants to know more about the next project from the team behind the Witcher series. But is the game really as good as everyone says? In order to find out if Cyberpunk 2077 will really be an Elder Scroll’s killer, I charmed my way into the game’s E3 demo and used my critical eye (the right one) to analyze every second of gameplay. Here are things about Cyberpunk 2077 that you should be really worried about.
Nitpick one: The game HUD features a lot of red, so if you hate that color you’ll probably hate this game by proxy.
Nitpick two: The year 2077 is too far away. How are we supposed to know how accurate this setting is?
Nitpick three: This game looks too good. It’s kind of ruining me for other games I want to play now. I was going to go home and play Detroit: Become Human, but now I want to vomit on that game.
Nitpick four: The character creator looks pretty customizable; there is even a stat called “cool.” I guess it’s like Cyberpunk’s version of a Charisma stat, and dictates how other character react to you … hold on, that actually is kind of neat. This isn’t really a nitpick; let’s call it a nonpick.
Real Nitpick four: The game’s man currency is the Eurodollar, but everyone calls it Eddies for short. Eddies is a stupid name for money. If that’s what the future holds, count me out.
Nitpick five: I saw newspapers scatter all over the place, which is ridiculous. Everyone knows that print is dead.
Nitpick six: The crowd animations look good, but I noticed several NPCs with the same walking animations. Is it really too much to ask for all of Night City’s millions of inhabitants to have their own unique animation?
Nonpick two: When the main character gets a call, her (or his) eyes glow red. This indicates that she can see her caller on her internal retina display. I thought that was a nice touch.
Nitpick seven: At one point the main character asks an NPC a question and while they’re answering she walks away, but the NPC keeps talking even after she’d left. What a moron!
Nitpick eight: CD Projekt Red says that all of your choices will have consequence and could dramatically impact the flow of the story. That’s too stressful. Why can’t I just have a mindless shooter without all of this interesting story and exploration bits?
Nitpick nine: At one point, the main character gets a subdermal grip upgrade on her hand, which allows her to do more damage when firing a gun. That’s not how guns work! Bullets don’t fly faster or do more damage if you pull the trigger harder (I think).
Nitpick ten: There is a lot of blood and violence in the game. Why does everything have to end in violence? What are we teaching our kids with these video games?
Nonpick three: Okay, I just saw a cut scene where the main character unlocked a nonlethal option to complete a mission. I guess CD Projekt Red is smarter than I thought.
Nitpick eleven: CD Projekt Red is smarter than I am.
Nonpick four: If you do pick the violent option, the action actually looks pretty cool. Some weapons can shoot through wall. At one point, a enemies does this, and the main character has to scramble for cover. Also, some upgrades allows your character to ricochet bullets off walls, and some weapons tech will actually fire ammo that curves around corners like the cartoon bullets from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Nitpick twelve: I can’t read my notes here, but it looks like it reads, “blueberry swinging.” I don’t know what blueberry swinging it, but I’m sure it’s pretty damning.
Nitpick fourteen: This game still doesn’t have a release date, and I’m pretty sure it’s not tomorrow.
I’m going to be honest with you, even when I was trying to be hypercritical, I still walked away incredibly impressed with Cyberpunk 2077. That game looks like a next level Action/RPG and the open world is incredibly dense and full of life. You should be excited for this game, so please don’t hate on CD Projekt Red’s hard work. In fact, please don’t hate on anyone hard work. Our lives are too short to focus on the negative or try to pick apart something people find joy in. We’re all floating though space together on one great big blue home, so let’s try to look out for one another. One love y’all.